Empowering Conversations with Your Child
by Jim Thompson and Ruben Nieves,
Positive Coaching Alliance

Q:	What is the thing a child needs least when he or she returns home from the physically and emotionally taxing experience of a lacrosse practice or game?
A:	A critic.
Q:	What does a child need when he or she gets home?
A:	Support.
Q:	How does a parent best support his or her child after a practice or game?
A:	By engaging him or her in an "empowering conversation.

When we think about what makes people friends with each other, a number of things come to mind. For example, our friends like us and enjoy spending time with us, as we enjoy them. And what is it we do when we are together with our friends? Mostly we talk and listen to each other.

Conversations are the glue between people, the essential element in a strong relationship. Relationships wither without communication, and the very best form of communication is conversation.

Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that it is their job to talk while their child listens. Actually that is only half-right. It is also our job to listen while our child talks. lt is a wonderful thing when both parent and child can talk and listen.

It is Important that parents intentionally seek out conversations about sports with their athletes. Here are some suggestions for how to engage your child in a conversation about sports.

1. Establish Your Goal - A Conversation Among Equals:

   A conversation is something between equals. Kings didn't have conversations with their subjects. They told them what to do. Prepare yourself for a conversation with your child by reminding yourself that sports is her thing, not yours. Remember that you want to support her, to let her know that you are on her side.

   Your goal is not to give advice on how to become a better lacrosse player. It should be to engage your child in a conversation among equals, one of whom (you) is on the side of the other (her!).
   
   

2. Adopt a Tell-Me-More Attitude:

   Adopt the attitude that you want your child to tell-you-more, ("I really want to hear what you have to say."), and then listen to what he has to say-even if you don't agree with it or like it. The most productive conversation is one in which the child does more talking and the parent does more listening.
   
   

3. Listen! In many instances you may know exactly what your child can do to improve. However, this is a conversation, remember? Your goal is to get your child to talk about her sports experience, so ask rather than tell. Save your tellings for another time.
   
   
4. Use Open-Ended Questions. Your goal is to get your child to talk at length, so ask questions that will tend to elicit longer, more thoughtful responses, such as:
   
   
   • "What was the most enjoyable part of today's practice/game?"
   • "What worked well?"
   • "What didn't turn out so well?"
   • "What did you learn that can help you in the future?"
   • "Any thoughts on what you'd like to work on before the next game?"

   Even if you saw the entire game, the goal is to get your child to talk about the game the way she saw it, not for you to tell her what she could have done better. Show you are listening. Make it obvious to your child that you are paying through use of nonverbal actions such as making eye contact as he talks, nodding your head and making "listening noises" (uh-huh," "hmmm," "interesting," etc.).

   Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child!
   
   

5. Let Your Child Set the Terms:

   William Pollack, MD, author of Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the myths of Boyhood, notes that children have different "emotional schedules" that determine when they are ready to talk about an experience.

   Forcing a conversation right after a competition (when there may be a lot of emotion) is often less successful than waiting until the child gives an indication that he is ready to talk. And conversations do not have to be lengthy to be effective. If your child wants a brief discussion, defer to his wishes. If he feels like every discussion about sports is going to be long, he'll likely begin to avoid them. And don't be afraid of silence. Stick with it, and your child will open up to you.

   Connect through activity. Sometimes the best way to spark a conversation is through an activity that your child enjoys.
   
   

   Playing a board game or putting a puzzle together can allow space for a child to volunteer thoughts and feelings about the game and how he performed.
   

6. Enjoy: The most important reason why you should listen to your child with a tell-me-more attitude: Because then she will want to talk to you, and as she (and you) get older, you will find there is no greater gift than a child who enjoys conversations with you.

Lacrosse Magazine November/December 2002